IN MY HEAD FOR KShs.20 - #KShs. 3 - WHY KANJO MIGHT ARREST YOU

I have never had a personal encounter with Kanjo except once and my very very riveting story regarding my kids being in school because the father did not pick them up got me out of trouble (do not ask which kids, what is it to you?).

City Council policemen (askaris) a.k.a Kanjo are the men and women whose signature clothing is some very very hilarious color scheme of yellow for parking attendants (also known to carry yellow, metallic 'machinery' and can be mistaken for Tyre changing mechanics) and 'Camouflage green (not sure the shade but i am sure Reina would be the right person to ask about color since she is a fashionista and all). Camouflage green is for the traffic askaris then there are the real bad ass'- the ones who drive cages around and round up unknowing (or rather slow) hawkers.

Generally, anyone would tell you that an encounter with these men/women is not funny. Many of us would naively say that we can not be caught by these men/women because we don't break the follow. I know the things we avoid doing e.g. littering, talking on the phone while crossing the road, sitting on flower beds such and such.

But here is what you did not know- these are my top ten reasons why you might not be too far from the long leg or hand or both of the Kanjo.

Here are some of Nairobi County By-laws:

1.Signalling, guiding and or directing a driver of a vehicle into or out of a parking place is an offence

Yes boo boo. Do not guide your friend out of the parking lot..i mean what kind of patriot would do   something like that? It goes against the moral code. Let him/her hit all the cars. Good thing about this law is that the next time those dudes at Jamia parking lot ask for 'chai' for guiding you out of a parking space, tell them you will get them arrested, after you are safely in the clear of course.

2. Entering any premises which are on fire without authorisation from the senior office

Yes, the next time you want to run into a burning premise....remember to check in with the senior officer. He/she just might grant you permission :-)

3. Each person engaging in hawking must have a badge and wear it at conspicuous places

So to the ladies especially, the next time you are knee deep in chiffon tops on Moi Avenue, remember to ask to see the badge of the hawker. You could pull a 'License and Registration Please' on him. I mean, with all the running with gunias (can someone please recruit this people for athletics - 100M) and teargas, what excuse does this hawker have not to be spotting a badge? It might read "TONY KAMAU OYUGI - HAWKER-CBD AREA"

4. Parking of any vehicle other than a matatu at a matatu terminus is an offence

I have always wondered why there are no private vehicles in the terminus'...its actually a by-law. I think this one is a good one seeing how private vehicle owners like parking their cars in town whiel they live in Ngara and could have just walked.

5. Six or more persons' waiting to board a matatu must queue.

More power to the law abiding people of Jogoo and Mombasa road. This is actually a good one...getting handbags cut into half in the scramble by petty thieves was never funny.

6. A person doing a kiosk business shall not sleep overnight in the business places

Sleeping in your kiosk is very wrooooooong. I guess its a lucky break for all cyber, boutique and cake (lol)  shops, y'all can sleep in the business premises. Kiosk owners, keep off.

7.Bargaining or buying from a hawker in undesignated area is an offence

Its either you bargain or buy, not both. The next time hawkers run, do not just stand there, RUN! You are an accessory to making ends meet...sorry, i meant murder.

8. Blowing your nose aimlessly without use of a tissue or handkerchief is an offence

Enough said. But note that aimless is not the crime, lack of a tissue or handkerchief is. Be aimless in a tissue or handkerchief.

9. No owner of a dog shall permit a dog to cry, bark in a manner that disturbs peace and quiet.

The next time your dog asks for permission to bark or cry, deny deny deny. No means No.

10. A pedestrian crossing a road at the zebra crossing or designated crossing areas shall walk on the left on such pedestrian crossing

Walking on the right gives you the right to remain silent and what you shall be exaggerated and used against you in no court at all. That said, I think this one enhances safety because every time people cross from a zebra crossing from both directions, its like the effing start of a rugby match.


So you are not as law abiding as you thought, yes? Shame on you. Mscheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.

Regards, L.O.P :-)

IN MY HEAD FOR KShs.20 - #KShs. 2 - FRIENDS YOU SHOULD DUMP

Friendships are very tricky especially in this day and age where individuality is more common than trees. Personally, I have never been good at the constant communication but I know i turn up when I am needed. No one is perfect but there are people who can not be friends even if it were to rain water (get it?)

Like any other relationship, friendship needs work.I don't know why people assume friendships can run on autopilot. Its a relationship like any other.

That said, these are the kind of friends you definitely don't need. I know letting go of 'friendships' is hard but really, is it worth the effort? I do not think so. I write this from experience unlike some 'bloggers' who lift stuff from other sites.

Here goes...

1. THE SINGLE CARRIAGEWAY

Sample conversation:
Daisy: Hey, lets go out.
Lorna: I am busy

2 days later...
Lorna: Daisy, lets go out.
Daisy: I have school work...
Lorna: Its the only free day I have, no excuses

This is the kind of friend who is only available when she is available. Plans are plans only if she is available. Your schedule is not important. Your needs are not a factor. S/He is the only important part of that relationship. Drop that friend in some dirt road somewhere and never look back.

2. THE MOSQUITO

This is a blood sucking friend who stops at nothing. This are the overly dependent friends who only find you when they need something or some favor or because they have seen you have extra tickets to some event.

They drain you of you energy, money, time, goodness and emotions. They never give back, they never reciprocate.

Sample conversation:
Daisy: Aki sweetie i am stressed
Lorna: Whats up hun?
Daisy: My boyfriend is mad at me; aki i don't know what to do
Lorna: *Advice galore
Daisy: I do not have money for bras
Lorna: Mpesa

One month later:
Lorna: Umepotea
Daisy: Niko tu.
Lorna: I am stressed
Daisy: Pole

One week later:
Daisy: Lorna sweetie, unaenza ni peleka kwa wedding fulani. We can use your ride.
Lorna: No problem hun

SWAT THAT MOSQUITO! Friendship should benefit both parties. Friendship is mutual. You are not a one stop shop.

3. THE LOOSE BRA

This is a friend who will never support you. It does not matter what you need support in. It does not matter if you are need emotional, physical or endevour support. This friend is not there. For example, I tend to share links a lot and people I consider friends (or family) can't take five minutes to read. You get my drift?

Friends are meant to support you, to uplift and encourage you. This friends can not even support your hustle. If a friend paints, buy a paint one time. If a friend sells bracelets, buy one. If your friend does plays, attend some. If your friend has a function, attend it. But the loose bra does not. All they do is pretend they are there but not really.

Bin that bra.

4. THE JOURNALIST

Sample conversation
Lorna: Mapya?
Daisy: I am okay but my mother and father are breaking up, the cat died and I failed my exams.
Lorna: Woi Pole. Things will work out.
Daisy: Enough about me. How are you?
Lorna: Nothing, Niko tu.

This is the kind of friend who is always up in your business but never tells you about their lives. They essentially do not think you deserve to know more than the "I got a new job' details. I tend to believe in the kind of friendship where we can talk on everything and nothing.

Fire the journalist. If you wanted a one-sided sharing session, go to a psychiatrist.

5. THE BAE GROUPIE

Sample Conversation
Daisy: Can we hook up?
Lorna: I wish but i am taking Peter to the dentist

Daisy: Please take me to Hosi
Lorna: Aki i had plans. Peter's cat died, there is a service

Daisy: Lorna, ice cream this Saturday. My treat.
Lorna: Woi, imagine its Peter's parents anniversary. I can't make it.

Three months later...
Lorna: Can we hang out?
Daisy: I am going upcountry.
Lorna: Aki woiye, this is the only weekend Peter is out of town.

This is the kind of friend who never has time for you when she/he is in a relationship. Everything is centred on the better half. The only time you two seem to get to hang out is when they break up, have beef or when they can not hang out with them.

CANCEL THE CONCERT. Romantic relationships should never take the place of friendships - its great to find time for friends.

I know i used examples with female names but that was just for functional purposes. This list applies to both men and women. Good thing is
its never too late to stop being 'dumpable'...unless well, it is.

Remember: 'There is no such thing as a bad friend; you either have good friends, acquaintances or they are not a friend.'

Cheers to better friendships.

Regards, L.O.P :-)

IN MY HEAD FOR KShs.20 - #KShs. 1 - WHY YOUR PILAU IS A NJERI

I was challenged by one Sarah Lebu (get her beautiful pieces there) to do 20 pieces in 20 days. This challenge was accepted because i am the girl you tell to run on her head and I still try.

This will be different from the normal monthly posts. I will give you a sneak peak of what goes through my head. This will be random; all my interests, thoughts and feelings in 20 days. Lets do this, ey?

Lets start with my first love and exceptional skill (yes, i said it): FOOD AND COOKING.

Pilau is a Swahili dish made in most households. The best pilau dish is a balance of many aspects. I am going to give five of the most frequent mistakes made when making this perfect dish.

1. WHY YOU MAKE RICE UGALI

This is a common feature of most rice dishes made in Kenyan kitchens. I mean why would you make rice if it ends up looking like the brown ugali? The first step in making sure your pilau turns out perfect is to make sure the rice does not clump together. There are recommendations I would make for the rice brands that I prefer but they have not paid for advertising. Hint: Opposite of sunset.

The trick to make sure rice does not clump is to wash it! Easy yes? NO! I mean really wash the rice until the water turns clear. The starch is responsible for the cloudy appearance of the water. Starch is responsible for the sticking together of rice grains so wash wash wash.

Frying rice lightly in a pan also helps. This involves frying washed rice in a very small amount of oil over fire for five minutes before boiling. No more rice ugali.

Go from this kind of Pilau

To this kind of Pilau 

2. WHY YOU MAKE WHITE PILAU

Serving white rice with peas and potatoes and random brown color here and there and telling your guests its pilau is an insult to someone (i am not sure to whom but its an insult). Refering to white rice as pilau is like refering to Marya as talented in music...I mean, what?

The signature look of pilau is the GOLDEN COLOR - not white or black, but Golden color. The mistake people make is to think that the color is as a result of Pilau masala.

The trick to getting this golden color is dependent on the color of the onions you fry first. Yes. The color of the onions after frying determines the end color of the dish. Fry onions to a golden brown color or a bit darker and the signature look will be taken care of.

3. WHY YOUR PILAU CAN BE FLU MEDICINE

This has happened to me so many times when I eat at someone else's house. Have you ever looked forward to a plate of pilau but you can smell the pilau masala from under a trailor? The amount of spice especially the usual suspect, Pilau masala is enough to make your flu go away, cure your muscle aches and open up your sinuses. I am sure you relate.

The amount of spices to put in pilau is not a perfect science but here is a tip to make the results better:
Use whole spices instead of the ground ones hence controlling the flavor and getting the most of it at the same time. Spices are naturally balanced but there is one thing most people do not do; roast the spices before use. This is the best way to maximize on spices. Please do not throw the spices over open fire, just place a sufuria over fire until its hot then throw the spices in and stir for about three minutes. These are now perfect for use.

4. WHY YOUR PILAU DOES NOT HAVE THE O-FACTOR

O-factor is brought about by the amount of onions you put in the first place. Crazy hint: Pilau does not need tomatoes. The flavor of your pilau is depedent on the onions. Go crazy with 4 onions and above. Cut them into rings too (adds nothing) but makes it look yummier in my opinion.


5. WHY YOUR PILAU IS OVER/UNDER COOKED

If you make a lot of it, the upper part is normally too crunchy meaning its undercooked. Use the old time trick, cover with a lid, remove from fire and put hot charcoal on top. Perfect.

Over cooked rice is the main enemy of the state. This is usually due to wrong water to rice ratio measurement. I know the old rule is 1:2 but I recommend 1:13/4 to make sure that the rice is cooked just right.

RANDOM TIP: Fry full potatoes in oil and throw into the pilau. This makes sure they are not mushy by the time the rice is done and gives them a crunchy taste. Do not slice or chop the potatoes, whole potatoes make better pilau.

Thank me later.

Regards, L.O.P :-)

8-FO-FO

Lala fo-fo-fo

So if you learnt Kiswahili you know fully well what the saying above means. Actually, if you went through the same system as i did which is the 8-FO-FO system (forget the emission of the last fo). I know the education system that has churned you and I out trained us to cram and emit as exactly but i had to play around with that.

8-FO-FO. So if I have to explain this to you then you have no business reading this but before you leave lemme just tell you that i do not blame you, not entirely anyway,

8-FO-FO is the Kenyan Education System but in all fairness, its refered to as 8-4-4 in official matters. But 8-FO-FO is more appropriate because of the kind of product it produces.  A sleepy product is more like it. The system is not entirely faulty because there is a percentage of the products that actually work but most of the products do not.

Things have to change but before they do, lets go through the motions one more time. 

NURSERY SCHOOL

So this is where it begins but luckily enough, it is not included in the Robot Number Activation sequence code 8-4-4. Which is also quite accurate because it is the only part of the system that is not quite wrong. It takes three years but it remains the most important part of the system yet its the most underrated and ignored part of the system. The fact that the same people who clean us when we go for number 1, 2 and 3 (when its a mixture), replace the scribbling with letters, the mumbling with words and the constant crying to expression are the least paid shows how up side down the system is.

A child, lets call him Edu, is brought to school by either his mother or father and most probably the house girl. He is dressed in oversized clothes, in most cases blue shorts, a shirt and a sweater whose sleeve hangs on one side. This day is usually marred by tears, screams, crawling and clawing, snot running down the nose and loud cries for mummy when little Edu realizes its not the promised Disney world.

I think Nursery school serves its purpose. When its done, we go to Primary school.

PRIMARY SCHOOL

This is the first number on the sequence, the 8. This should take one 8 years to complete before you sit a 3 day exam if you minus all the foreplay, that reduces your intelligence to the scale of 0 - 500. That is the grading system. This is where the rot begins. The primary level is divided into two sections - Lower and Upper. Lower is from Class 1- 4 or 5 while upper primary is Class 6-8.

Little Edu can now speak and write in a total of two languages excluding the mother tongue which is really a birth right.He is still in oversized shorts but a different color, mostly maroon. There are two fundamental changes - the weight of the bag (wtf do they carry in these bags?) and the 'working hours'. This is when Little Edu is given a bag thrice his size and has to wake up at 4 am to make it to school in time.

Please note that Edu is barely ten at the moment but wakes up earlier than the cock that is supposed to crow. That is why school buses are the main sleeping area for this kids hence emphasizing the 8-fo-fo slogan.  The heavy bag has three books for the each of the five subjects he is supposed to learn - so there is Primary mathematics, Fast learner mathematics and Go figure mathematics. 

I am no expert but for a child's healthy development, this is too much pressure, too fast, too early.

Little Edu goes to Upper Primary. He fits in his shorts alright, he can now carry the bag more comfortably and can handle the long hours.He is experiencing changes in his body. He can not speak to girls, he would rather die despite the fact that the teacher has paired them in the seating arrangement. Little Edu has five subjects to excel in but his real interest is in art but the system subscribes Maths, English, Kiswahili, Social Studies and Science. He has to pass and go to the 'Top schools' and this can only happen if he gets 400marks.

Here is where shit hits the fan especially in Class 8 with every nosy relative asking how many marks you are getting and not enough asking your fee balance. Edu is now taller than the mother. He crams the curriculum because in this system, no one cares if you can paint Monalisa up side down with 3D effects, hell no! -We care about how many marks you get in a three day examination that is supposed to reflect on your capabilities and your intelligence but really, it just shows how good you can cram. 

I will admit that there are students that are good in school - what the curriculum offers but there is the other majority that is not. There is an equally important majority that do have seven of the other intelligences that are not catered for by the system. 

Edu did not do that well in the examination but he was in a public school so yaaaaay, he gets a free pass because even the Government knows that studying in their over crowded schools that never have enough of anything, teachers that have to handle the amount of work but are equally lazy (trust me when i say the fact that my niece was still on page 3 of their English text book as per yesterday does not reflect well on them) and very low morale is a disadvantage. But instead of correcting the real problem, why not give Edu a free pass?

So the robot sequence has been initiated and is carried over to secondary school.

SECONDARY SCHOOL

Secondary school is the second number in the Robot sequence. This consists of four years of preparing for another examination that takes a total of one month or three weeks, i am not really sure, i was busy peering through the curtains in the lab to see what was being set up for the practical exams.

This second part is not entirely rot but as my high school Maths teacher used to say, "No room for rot learning". Which is also a summary of our system. Edu has to choose between a very limited numbers of subjects that he wants to study which is not really long enough because its either he does a language or Business Education (to be fair though, there are others like Home Science and bla bla)

Edu plays sports though, he is really good at Basketball but he show cases it to Provincial levels (thats what they called it during my time). He is also very good at Drama. Unfortunately this is a high school as the limited talents exploited in this stage are not really followed up by the system except for very few lucky guys here and there. 

Edu gets to Form four. The cycle repeats itself. The examination fever starts all over again. Edu starts cramming all over again because the examination is supposed t test what you have learnt in four years at the same period regardless of your mental state at the moment. Here is where you are graded between A - E. 
Edu got a B- but has been able to expand his skills to curving and graffiti but who cares?

CAMPUS

So this is the final entry to the code. I think we need a moment of silence for this. This is when the educated robots are released to the world to serve in the same careers, with the same skill set and looking for the same types of jobs with the cliche brown envelopes.

Edu is all grown up. All his relatives are all up in his business asking which campus he is going to. He has to do the 'acceptable' courses so that he can get a white collar job working for some guy who is golfing at Muthaiga and live in a middle class neighbourhood. He therefore does a course in IT (just an example) and gets employed and never paints again.Not to mention that campus is characterised by last minute craming and writing of Mwakenya that summarise four years in a single leaflet (which is the real talent btw) which lead to all theory and no skill set at all.

Campus should be where you maximize on the interests, talents and skills that should have been identified at the beginning but noooooooo, nothing to maximize on. Just completion of the Robot sequence where Edu thinks that since he can speak in English and can barely construct a sentence Kiswahili , he is the most educated. This is where the real certificates of doom are given , and not only in Nairobi Aviation but to every Edu given certification for something that he is not in the least interested in and will just do to make a living is the real doom. (Get it? Like Certificates of doom - ah, forget it)


ROBOT SEQUENCE COMPLETE. 

See, the government should make fundamental changes rather than making silly rules every time they announce results of exams that really do not make sense. 

Here is where all my answers are correct. (Like A, B, C and D)

• Grading system - why would you determine the abilities of a person based on an examination he did at one point of his life? I am not completely brushing off grading but i am saying that grading more than 200'000 people on the same exam is a set up! Its like asking a drunkard to drive with the risk of crushing but we pray that he does not. Grade, yes, but on something that one likes and is actually good at.
• Identify interests and talents - this ensures that we are not all looking for the same jobs because we are diverse, we do not fight for grass because others are better at reaching for twigs. We need a system that works on making a kid reach their full potential rather than reach a certain level in terms of grades.
• Practical learning - i know people who can not write a letter to save their lives. Our system needs to give us actual skills rather than how to expand an algebraic equation. Teach us how to manage finances instead of how to disect a rat. Teach us how to relate to people rather than how to know when Mwelusi decided to go to the well.
• Skills vs Theory - I went to medicine school, i did nursing but i knew of medical students who could not fix an IV line to save a life because they are all theory, no skills. The culture of cramming and passing exams versus learning is what is making ignorant robots with an education graduate everyday.

So basically, the education system is churning out robotic zombies (What? There are hybrid werewolves - i can form whatever creature i want because 8-4-4 can't do nothing about it)

Here are my favorite quotes (I copy pasted them because that is one of the skill sets i got from the system)

Education these days is making youths suffer like mental patients, but no one has anything to say about it because there is no other option to be given.” ― Kaya Carvajal

The whole educational and professional training system is a very elaborate filter, which just weeds out people who are too independent, and who think for themselves, and who don't know how to be submissive, and so on -- because they're dysfunctional to the institutions.” ― Noam Chomsky

“We are students of words: we are shut up in schools, and colleges, and recitation -rooms, for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a bag of wind, a memory of words, and do not know a thing.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson,

Question is, which are you? A zombie or a robot? I have no idea which one i am. I was never good at exams anyway.

Regards, L.O.P :-)

.

NO MEDIOCRE - A NJOKI CHEGE CASE STUDY

First things first, I furiously apologize for not posting in December. Lets just say my gadget was thirsty, i gave it a drink but that Is not what it wanted - such a girl. 

Thank you for understanding



CASE STUDY

Hunter S. Thompson once said: As far as i am concerned, it is a damned shame that a field as potentially dynamic and vital as journalism should be overrun with dullards, bums and hacks, hag ridden with myopia, apathy and complacence, and generally stuck in a bog of mediocrity.

His words, not mine but i concur. Lets look at mediocrity (not as per T.I's criteria, no, but the actual meaning and I am going to use the below named person as an example)


Name:   Njoki Chege (who will be referred to as NC from here onwards)

Age:    eeeeeeeeh....debatable but claims  to be 24 or is it 25? Can't really keep track.

Gender: Female

Diagnosis: Mediocrity (this word can be replaced with middle-of-the-road - which would point to lack of fuel, mechanical problems or just bad driving skills)

DESCRIPTION

N.C is a blogger/columnist in Kenya. Naaaah, that description does her no justice at all. Let me put it this way, she is the socialite of writing. She pulls writing stunts then sits back and watches  people trip over their tongues and fingers (sorta like i am doing right now). By socialite i mean she is a perceived public figure (quite literally) that enjoys the attention that comes with showing off insecurities in public. I know everybody is stupid in their own way but when done privately, its allowed.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS

1. Why i would not date a man instagram

The above is one of her posts. I agree that hanging out with a man who is constantly online is boooring and very juvenile, even if he is checking out my profile. Agreed but lets get some pointers into perspective

• Blue Subarus - N.C has a formidable apathy towards BLUE subarus, not red, not silver or grey but Blue. Let me school you on car reviews. Cars are reviewed based on performance, interior, safety, reliability, cooling system, fuel consumption, mileage, suspension etc. Moral of the list: CARS ARE NOT RATED DEPENDING ON COLOR.

On the same note, flats in Roysambu do not have basements. Aki imagine no. That is just the  ground floor. (Please don't get into construction)

• Keep the 'holiday at the Mara' pictures to yourself, serious Kenyans fly their families to the Alps for Christmas and they are not even on Instagram - there goes the efforts of the Tourism board. So those families that fly in from the Alps to go to the Mara for 'Holiday at the Mara' are not serious? Local tourism is an actual thing

• I know of lawyers in town who fly their girlfriends to Nanyuki for sun-downers - first of all, the road trip to Nanyuki is phenomenal  You should try it if you are not flying economy to the Alps. Also, I also know of the president, doesn't give me entry to the state house, now does it?

• KE Instagrammers have such a low self-esteem, they measure their worth against the number of people who 'like' their photos - don't you think this is just a little hypocritical coming from you? I mean, you are like the cover model of Esteem Issues, all editions.

Classical symptom: Pressure of speech

2. Why I'm not dating and won't tie the knot soon

I will enter this as my second symptom. This article gave me mixed reactions. I agreed with some parts and totally disagreed with others (See, i have a positive side)

I agree that there is a  new crop of 'young men' who i would not date myself. See, the type that is constantly raving, still dresses like he is going for a high school funkie at Kamahoho Girls, the type that is always drinking then drunk texts me (really?), the men who know all the clubs in town, Westlands, Lang'ata and its environs, the men who think sex is the answer, the men who buy a pair of shoes and everybody gets tagged -These are the men that need to go to Shamba shape up for whatever reason. I am with her fully on this.

I only have one clarification to make: Refined men aren't necessarily rich. there is a difference between a man who is a gentleman and a man who is rich, they can go hand in hand, but its not a guarantee.

You say that married men are rich and all good men  are married. Hahahaha. Cheers to all the married men in Korogocho, you have been  declared rich. We get it, you are into married men but i understand, you would need a man who has let his guard down after 40 years of marriage to hit on you.  Keep to your lane.

Clinical symptom: Concrete thinking (not as good as it sounds)

3. LADIES: It's all your fault he is cheating.

I would like to  toast to all skinny/slender women for not being cheated on. It must be really nice to know that cheating is directly proportional to the amount of fat you have. This girl could be a scientist if it were not for her obvious lack of scientific evidence.

• You have no fashion sense- sweetheart, you are wearing a white beret on your profile picture. I rest my case. 

• Since you got married you have become a boring, dull and gloomy stay-at-home mother and wife whose one and only goal is to raise children - this was downright disrespectful like Masaku 7s was more respectful. Do you know the pain of childbirth? Have you ever been married? Raising children is an actual job, have you tried it? Class is free, grab some.

Clinical symptom: Looseness of association

4. Why i will never marry a poor man

"..............I ain't saying she a gold digger............" Urgh, sorry, song won't leave me in peace

No NC, a relationship should take you to the alter, not the bank unless you work there and your boyfriend is a co-worker. Banks allow for deposits, withdrawals, inquiries - i doubt they haVe a relationship account.

I will give you words from a very famous and articulate philosopher - Britney Spears

You wanna hot  body
You want a Bugatti
You want a Maserati
You better work b
You want a Lamborghini
Sip martinis
Look hot in a bikini
You better work b
You wanna live fancy
Live in a big mansion
Party in France

You better work B

She goes on to say that she is Miss Independent - PUUULLL UP. Look up the word in the dictionary, while at it check out a blog known as Miss Independent and take notes, careful ones. Spot the difference.

While you are busy looking for the famous Mr.Moneybags (who sounds a lot like Santa), please note that there are a certain breed of women who attract them. That said, i will quote another famous philosopher - Chris Brown:

"I can make a broke b rich, but i don't eff with broke b........................."

Clinical symptom: Apathy

FINAL DIAGNOSIS

Histrionic Personality with Delusion of grandeur++++

TREATMENT

Diazepam 1000mg/kg -PRN - like really, let sleeping dogs lie

CONCLUSION

Mediocrity is like gangrene and comes in all shapes of eye brows. Its a pity such a credible media house would give this type of writing a column for the sake of sales and rating but then again, what do i know?

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. LOL

Regards, L.O.P :-)

I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE AL-SHABAAB

Saturday morning.

I log into my Twitter account and check on what is trending. I notice that #MyDressMyChoice has been replaced by #ManderaBusAttack. I click on the link and the first image is too much for me. I cry. Log off. Try to forget the images for the rest of the day (That is why I was bored @Happie and Winnie)

May the souls of the departed rest in peace.
I stand as a Muslim to condemn the heinous act that took place on Saturday. That Said........

Sunday Afternoon

I decide to watch clips about the attack on YouTube, I don't get past the first three minutes.I log on to Twitter, the topic is still trending. I go through the images then come upon a screen shot of a post made on some group on Facebook called "Bungle la Mwananchi" which has tuned into an e-war zone.

Below are some of the posts I found on the page: (the image on the left is the screenshot and whoever posted it seems to be wearing a Kenyan security agency uniform on his profile)

Let me make some things very clear:

I will not apologize for the killings made by a group of lunatics who claim that they fight for a religion because what I got very clearly from my Madrasa is that Allah does not need to be fought for, He needs praise and Worship. Allah does not ask for blood in His name, He made blood to run in our veins, to keep us alive. Allah is powerful, He does not need humans to fight for Him.

I will not apologize for Al-shabaab because being a Muslim does not give me an automatic membership to this group. No. I have never killed anyone, let alone make an innocent Kenyan lie die down and blow his head off. As a matter of fact, I am a Nurse, I take care of the wounded. Who would have thought of such a thing, a Muslim Nurse? Mh.

I am definitely not going to apologize for Al-Shabaab because they do not represent me. Contrary to common opinion, Al-Shabaab is not the International Muslim Association. No. I do not know which scripture they follow, I have no idea who interprets the Quran for them because its definitely not my Ustadh. So before you claim that the Quran encourages murder, take some time off Twitter, Facebook and whatever else you do on the Internet and read it online. Unless you think that all Muslims conspired to change the scripture over night so as to contradict your opinion on the teachings.

Thika Road Explosions
I remember I was headed to a Family get together when this happened. I was in a matatu and just a few minutes from Homeland when my relatives started calling me frantically. I got to know of the explosions from them before I passed the scene of the explosion a few minutes later. A woman behind me said, "Hawa watu warudi kwao". I kept quiet. Notice that I was called to be informed of the happenings, I did not have prior knowledge of the explosions despite my being Muslim.

Where exactly is "Kwetu?" I am Kenyan. This is my home. No one is LETTING me stay. I BELONG here.
In town, according to my 'Non-Muslim' friend, a Somali man is chased by a group of touts and idlers all the way from Bus Station.


Yes, I am Muslim. Islam is my religion.

But No, I am not a terrorist. I used to tell my friends in campus that each time there is a terrorist attack in the city, people look at me suspiciously, i referred to it as "The Eye". They did not believe me until the Gikomba Blasts. My friend accompanied me to town and we had to board a bus and when we sat  down, she whispered "Its true". I am not responsible for the terrorist attacks in Kenya or anywhere else. Branding every Muslim a terrorist would be synonymous to branding Americans terrorists just because Bush decided to invade Iraq (That qualifies as terror too). Or branding every Christian a thief in regards to Kanyari and his tactics. Ridiculous, right?

I am also scared. Hypothetically, if I am walking on a street in Nairobi and a grenade goes off in the same street, would I not get hurt? Die? Or do they put religion detectors on these things? I am not sure.

I am Muslim; 

Its not my fault that the P.Resident insists on wearing Military gear as a fashion statement and does not walk the wear if you get what i mean.....I am under the same man, the Commander in Chief of the armed forces. The man who would have had great success in an advertising firm. A man of selfies. A man of his word and nothing past the words. A man who is in Abu Dhabi for Formula 1 while the people he swore to protect die in the hands of lunatics.

Its not my fault that a gang of armed men and one is said to have had a rocket propeller can terrorise Kenyans in their own country, flee and the 'security agencies' appear later. That the Government continues to issue warnings to terrorists who do not warn before they kill. That I live in a country where people come in and out as they please because some man at the border was paid some amount of money.

It is not my fault that the ministry for Internal affairs or lack there of goes around spinning tales backed by his wing man, Kimaiyo. I mean, why are these two clowns in government? But do not entirely dismiss Ole Lenku, he personally signed the memo that asked all Kenyans to assemble and welcome the Commander In Chief from Hague where he is facing charges against the same Kenyans.

It is not my fault that Kenya has counties that are so marginalised that we can not hear them cry. My friends are doing internship in Garrisa and tell me the residents refer to themselves as KENYA B. Yes, because they have been forgotten by government after government. Its like the Wild Wild West only in this case, its the North.

It is not my fault that we are being led by a government that takes the easy way out for example, closing mosques in Mombasa. Bright idea huh? Wrong. How does that stop radicalisation? The difference between a Muslim youth in Mombasa and I is the environment. We read the same scripture but what makes it easier to make a youth at the Coast a blood thirsty lunatic? Yes, you have closed a mosque, have you changed the thinking of the particular youth? No. You have reinforced the brainwashing because the Victim's mentality sets in and hallo Al-Shabaab recruit.

The Media
This is my favourite, this is where when a Muslim does something horrible, the fact that they are Muslim has to be emphasised. I have asked myself why that is the case so many times. I thought maybe its because they kill in the name of the Islam but just because  they say it, doesn't make it true. It is the same shit as Ruto claiming they killed the militia, it bullshit and you know it so why believe it?

How come the same rule does not apply when every one else does something horrible? When a Muslim does something awesome, how come the same rule does not apply? e.g. Muslim man helps save people from Westgate. Ridiculous.

One more thing: If Islam really does suction the killing of 'Non-Muslims', how come I do not kill despite the fact that we read the same Book? Why am i not automatically converted into a Killing machine?

Did you know that according to the Quran, The Prophet said: "Beware! Whoever oppresses a Muahid (Non-Muslim) or snatches any of  his rights and causes him pain which he cannot bear, or takes anything from him without his permission ,I will fight such a Muslim on the day of Judgement"

Last but not least, lemme quote my own tweet (@MostlySafina)

Yes, I am Muslim

No, I don't apologise for Al-Shabaab. My being Muslim doesn't make me accountable for their actions.

Regards, L.O.P

LIFE LESSONS FROM CANDY CRUSH :-)

 I am not blessed with a phone with a humongous memory so subsequently, I can't download Candy Crush.I felt sad for a few minutes after my phone informed me that i did not have enough phone memory to download the game of my life then I realized I have a Facebook account and Wi-Fi from my good neighbor whose name I don't know and viola, no vualla, or is it vwalla.....ah, you get the point, I am past Level 70 currently.

I am not a serious gamer. I don't even know how to hold a gaming pad (I know i have lost eligible bachelors with that statement) so I like silly games. I have finished all types of Papa Arcade (its this really cool food game, you will love it -lemme know if they have added another cafeteria and i will be on that website faster than Kemeto). After this phase in my life, I took on Bejeweled which I am amazing at then Temple run which I never got really good at then the answer to all my gaming prayers came true in the form of CANDY CRUSH SAGA

This is like everything I like all in one place - I am talking about the candy itself. It is like being let loose in Diamond Plaza food court or those corridor shop in allllll malls that sell sweets in kilos. If you don't know what i am talking about, you have no business playing candy crush. All in all, after you get through the initial Sugar crushes and divines, you continue with the game, not because the levels get easier but because you want to see where the endless path might lead - pretty much like life. Is there a last level in Candy crush? -Food for thought, or might I say, candy for thought :-)

I love the game for all the waste of time and passing of time it represents but also because I have derived a couple of life lessons from the game. Yes. A couple. Why would anyone try to make a philosophy from Candy Crush, you say? Well, because I can.

Take Candy Crush as your life. Fit that shoe, fitted? Good. Lets learn.

1. Never give up
CC: You use up all 5 lives,you get stuck in one level for 3 days (level 70 is a *ch) but you still spend every waking moment figuring the level until you are able to pass the level and with all 3 stars.

Lesson: Naturally, when we do something we supposedly want to do for the rest  of our lives, not the ones forced on you by society or to pay bills, we stop doing it after a total of one try and give excuses for the rest of the time. Imagine if you applied this attitude to your goals.....you would be on your way to greatness.

2. Focus
CC: Every level of the game has a goal e.g. clear all the jelly or bring all the ingredients to the bottom. This is what you are supposed to do. There are many distractons of course but the only way to or rather, the one thing you have to do is clear the jelly. No more, no less.

Lesson: You have to keep your eye on the goal no matter what is going on around you. As humans, we get really distracted and by the time we realize, we are on our way to Rumuruti, while you were headed to Kisumu. Keep your eye on the prize. No matter what.

3. Know the game
CC: There are those levels that are not like the others. There are these circular electric circles that act like as doorways to the other box - you get the picture. I stayed in one level for 4 days because I hadn't taken time to learn the significance of the electric circles but when I got the drift, I was five levels up in 10 minutes.

Lesson: You want something, lets say, you want to become a real estate mogul. Sweetheart, take time to know how the industry works in the country, who are the movers and who are the shakers. Do your homework. This applies to everything. Do your research, know how things work. Don't do things without market research then blame everybody if it doesn't work.

4.Think
CC: You are given 15 moves to get 300000 as a score. This are very few moves according to candy crush counting. You gotta ask yourself, how am I going to get to the required score of the level and not run out of moves. If you start playing without thinking about it, you are wasting your time.

Lesson: Use your brain. Most of us don't like thinking and most of us don't like thinking. We let people think for us hence our stagnation in everything really. THINK, that is why you have a brain.

5. Ask for help
CC: All levels have power ups. These are meant to help you get to the next level faster and with a higher score.
Lesson: It took a while before I could bring myself to use the power ups because in my head, I thought they made me less able to play the game. That my friend, its called pride. NO ONE has the monopoly of knowledge in anything. No matter how good you think you are, someone else knows something you don't, even if they are not as accomplished as you are.

6. One right move is all it takes
CC: Have you ever played one move and it leads to this avalanche of moves and all you have to do is sit back and watch your score increase and win the game? I love when that happens.
Lesson: Keep doing what you are doing and one day, you will make a move and everything else will fall in place. Its like retiring at 30 and your money works for you and until you make the golden move, don't stop e.g. Looking for Johnny was Yemi Alade's move and suddenly, everyone is looking for Johnny.

7. Not all that is chocolate is sweet
CC: The spreading chocolate is the mot annoying, sardistic candy of them all. Nkt.

Lesson: People will always want to appear like they are rooting for you and they have your back until you start rising and they become the proverbial knife in the back. Be cautious, take it from me, the least expected people will be there for you. The ones who you expect to might as well kill you. Not everything or anyone who appears good has good intention.

8. Hang around with like minded people
CC:  You can only match like colors that are alike most of the time. This is the only way you win the game. Blue and green don't create any effect, but blue and blue make you inch closer to the ultimate win.

Lesson: Please note that I have used the word 'LIKE-MINDED' so for the racist people reading this post, it ain't about the color, no, its about what you want, where you want to be in a few years, what you want in life. People who want different things in life will only bring you down.

9. There is power in diversity
CC: When you match a stripped candy and a wrapped candy, they form this humongous tripped candy that has a horizontal and diagonal effect. It is amazing :-)

Lesson: Yes, there is power in being different. You could be like-minded but have fundamental differences. This difference can only make you stronger, bigger, better. People are afraid of diversity. Lets face it, we live in a world where if all people were black, we would still find something to separate us like the different shades of black.In this regard, when two or more diverse people come together, they become an unstoppable force, they create something beautiful. e.g instead of displaying the foolishness of I am kikuyu, i am Luo - how about you start a mixed band and have the audience of the two tribes? Be a legend, not some stupid tribalist.

Please note: I believe i speak for all Facebook gamers when i say this: when we invite you to play the game, we really don't care if you do, we are earning more lives. Get over yourself.

Regards, L.O.P