IN MY HEAD FOR KShs.20 - #KShs. 3 - WHY KANJO MIGHT ARREST YOU

I have never had a personal encounter with Kanjo except once and my very very riveting story regarding my kids being in school because the father did not pick them up got me out of trouble (do not ask which kids, what is it to you?).

City Council policemen (askaris) a.k.a Kanjo are the men and women whose signature clothing is some very very hilarious color scheme of yellow for parking attendants (also known to carry yellow, metallic 'machinery' and can be mistaken for Tyre changing mechanics) and 'Camouflage green (not sure the shade but i am sure Reina would be the right person to ask about color since she is a fashionista and all). Camouflage green is for the traffic askaris then there are the real bad ass'- the ones who drive cages around and round up unknowing (or rather slow) hawkers.

Generally, anyone would tell you that an encounter with these men/women is not funny. Many of us would naively say that we can not be caught by these men/women because we don't break the follow. I know the things we avoid doing e.g. littering, talking on the phone while crossing the road, sitting on flower beds such and such.

But here is what you did not know- these are my top ten reasons why you might not be too far from the long leg or hand or both of the Kanjo.

Here are some of Nairobi County By-laws:

1.Signalling, guiding and or directing a driver of a vehicle into or out of a parking place is an offence

Yes boo boo. Do not guide your friend out of the parking lot..i mean what kind of patriot would do   something like that? It goes against the moral code. Let him/her hit all the cars. Good thing about this law is that the next time those dudes at Jamia parking lot ask for 'chai' for guiding you out of a parking space, tell them you will get them arrested, after you are safely in the clear of course.

2. Entering any premises which are on fire without authorisation from the senior office

Yes, the next time you want to run into a burning premise....remember to check in with the senior officer. He/she just might grant you permission :-)

3. Each person engaging in hawking must have a badge and wear it at conspicuous places

So to the ladies especially, the next time you are knee deep in chiffon tops on Moi Avenue, remember to ask to see the badge of the hawker. You could pull a 'License and Registration Please' on him. I mean, with all the running with gunias (can someone please recruit this people for athletics - 100M) and teargas, what excuse does this hawker have not to be spotting a badge? It might read "TONY KAMAU OYUGI - HAWKER-CBD AREA"

4. Parking of any vehicle other than a matatu at a matatu terminus is an offence

I have always wondered why there are no private vehicles in the terminus'...its actually a by-law. I think this one is a good one seeing how private vehicle owners like parking their cars in town whiel they live in Ngara and could have just walked.

5. Six or more persons' waiting to board a matatu must queue.

More power to the law abiding people of Jogoo and Mombasa road. This is actually a good one...getting handbags cut into half in the scramble by petty thieves was never funny.

6. A person doing a kiosk business shall not sleep overnight in the business places

Sleeping in your kiosk is very wrooooooong. I guess its a lucky break for all cyber, boutique and cake (lol)  shops, y'all can sleep in the business premises. Kiosk owners, keep off.

7.Bargaining or buying from a hawker in undesignated area is an offence

Its either you bargain or buy, not both. The next time hawkers run, do not just stand there, RUN! You are an accessory to making ends meet...sorry, i meant murder.

8. Blowing your nose aimlessly without use of a tissue or handkerchief is an offence

Enough said. But note that aimless is not the crime, lack of a tissue or handkerchief is. Be aimless in a tissue or handkerchief.

9. No owner of a dog shall permit a dog to cry, bark in a manner that disturbs peace and quiet.

The next time your dog asks for permission to bark or cry, deny deny deny. No means No.

10. A pedestrian crossing a road at the zebra crossing or designated crossing areas shall walk on the left on such pedestrian crossing

Walking on the right gives you the right to remain silent and what you shall be exaggerated and used against you in no court at all. That said, I think this one enhances safety because every time people cross from a zebra crossing from both directions, its like the effing start of a rugby match.


So you are not as law abiding as you thought, yes? Shame on you. Mscheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.

Regards, L.O.P :-)