THE CIRCLE INSIDE THE INNER CIRCLE

This is my premiere blog.

I am shy.I know people who have met me are most probably sticking out their tongues in protest. I am not shy in the sense that i can't stand in front of people and talk.I am shy in the sense that i can't stand in front of myself and hold my own. I suffer from the Inner Circle Syndrome. - for those who are from googling the above named 'condition', welcome back. Shall we continue?

Last week i strong armed my pal, *insert name, into buying me dinner. My sister was away and there is no fun in making dinner for one. But i like his company, he is those people who challenge me. Very few people do that. Actually, just a handful. He was late but i had a book so i didn't mind, but it made something clear - I HATE MY OWN COMPANY, and indeed i do.

I hate my own company because it gives my mind the time to show me how stagnant i am. How much i have not moved forward nor backward - okay, maybe a little movement but nothing substantial. I hate my company because it is the only time my brain starts to take account- look at it as an internal audit. It is the only time i get shy because I can not look myself in the eye and say, "Safina, aweome work"


You might be wondering where this is going or what the hell i am ranting about, so lemme start at the beginning.

Have you ever felt that you are part of a system or part of something bigger, say bigger than yourself? Then you are ejected at neck breaking speed and now you are no where near anything big but whatever you were part of continues to grow to humongous proportions? The 'big thing' to which you had become a solid part of  -no, let me rephrase, the big thing which had become a big part of you, is functioning better and faster and.......you get the drift, without you? This is the INNER CIRCLE.

The inner circle can be anything- from friends to the big project to the dream career (i have several personalized dreams of my own)...the point is, the inner circle involves the personalities,likes, dislikes, standards of other people, it involves what others think of everything, its more of a nurture kind of setting. It is dependence. It is really the outer circle if you ask me, i came to learn of it just the other day.

So I am sure you are wondering what this lady is really yapping about: Lemme fill you in using the case of one Maria De Los Angeles (......i know, creativity level: Ole lenku)

Maria De Los Angeles (please stop reminiscing on my time...thanks) was a beautiful and talented woman. She had a brain to match. She had dreams to boot. Maria loved acting, basically the art world. She was very good at making things better, very good at making things work, making things perfect. She had ideas that would 'change the world' ( i put this in quotes because a reliable source informed me that this is a terrible cliche)
One time, she auditioned for a movie and she got a role. Suddenly, her dreams became valid (another cliche but who cares? Lupita said it and that is all that matters - yes, a black woman who carries the melanin with grace that would put skin lightners out of business but evidently, some of us didn't get the memo). Where was I...oh yes, validity.
She gave the project all she had but you guessed it, it was a flop. Then she went to a few more auditions and got some roles but eventually, they all flopped. She was later called to help out in the show, as a critic, which she did. But immediately, the project kicked off, she was thrown into the background.
Did I mention she is very good at pushing people to follow their dreams? Yes, as a matter of fact, she is. She makes plan for people, she makes sure that they know what they are good at and even takes her time to strategize and advertise on their behalf - sorta like an agent of some sort.
But in all this chaos of being the go to girl for everybody elses' dreams, she left her dreams on the background, she is also, as a matter of fact, a chronic procastinator. She could make a perfect psychic, the way she puts all her plans in the future. Then one day she realized, she doesn't have to ride on people's waves.
Remember, riding on people's waves is equal to you being on the inner, outer circle. for example,in surfing, two people don't ride the same wave, you gottsa (i am sorry, i have always wanted to use that in text) wait for your wave. But as life would have it, you are on solid ground. You can create your own sand storm, your own wave,your own circle, the circle inside the inner circle.

Your own wave is equal to the inner, inner circle. Your on circle.

• Do you sit around and go through your friend's profiles thinking they are doing so well for themselves?
• Do you see people doing something you have always wanted to do and feel so very envious?
• Do you feel like you have to wait around for someone to define your role in a bigger picture?
• Do you feel like people have a better life than you? _ (if yes, i will take this opportunity to recommend the series, Friend with Better Lives' to you ...totally unrelated but HILARIOUS)

So if you answer yes to all the above questions or even one of them, you are suffering from the Inner Circle Syndrome. The inner circle is not a guarantee, its a gamble. Lemme expound: there was a reggea band in the 1960s called the INNER CIRCLE, and the band split up when the lead singer died!!! As in, why in the hell do you sit around or sing around for someone to make you a puppet in their dream? I am sure there was someone else who could sing in that group...but they all depended on the success of the lead singer and not trusting in theirs!

Maria decided to make the circle inside the inner circle. Her own circle. Do you know what this involves?
1. Stop the pity party - like pull the plug off the woofer and get everybody out!! You are not less able than people making it in life so get up, take the first step.
P.S: By get everyone out i do not mean that you become a loner or think you run the world, i mean be you, be able to stand up by yourself, for yourself.

2. Take the first step - take it when you really wanna go to the loo. You only feel like you are going to go on yourself when you see the toilet? Same concept,things won't work for you unless you go to the toilet! Okay, you get what i mean.

3. Make the circle inside the circle - have you ever heard on the saying, 'if you don't work on your dream, some one else is going to pay you to work on theirs?' - ignore the paying part. Follow your dreams, chase them at high speed, even at the 50km/hr speed limit areas.

Wide circle narrow (see what i did there?)......The circle inside the circle = owning your dreams and following them, don't depend on other people's success to give you a temporary feeling of satisfaction,mostly at the end of the month. Hold your own, don't be shy, draw your circle.

Good thing about drawing your own circle is you can also determine the diameter *wink.

I love writing, i have made my first dot in my circle inside the inner circle. You should try it too, it feels great!!

Remember, "He that is good at making excuses is seldom good at anything else" Benjamin Franklin.

Regards, L.o.P :-)